Sanders Endorsement Leads to “Bernie Lite ™” Software Update for Clinton®

CHICAGO – Perhaps one of the most stunning examples of technological innovations since the steam engine, the re-built Hillary Clinton® received an official endorsement from Democratic underdog and self-described Socialist Bernie Sanders in New Hampshire on Tuesday.


Questions about Clinton®’s ability to finish out her campaign were in the forefront of the nation’s collective mind after her literal explosion in Gary, Indiana last month. In a Terminator 2 style turn of events, Clinton® has since been rebuilt, stronger than ever before, paid for by the Democratic party, SuperPAC donations, and “gifts” received from J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg.


Sanders’ endorsement ushered in Clinton®’s first public software update, designed by Democratic Party leaders in collaboration with Clinton®’s creator Elon Musk.


GullNews spoke with Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chair of the Democratic National Committee, about what the party hopes to achieve with the update.


“The update is designed to patch some issues present in the current Clinton® model in regards to her general likeability, especially when compared to the honesty of Sanders,” Wasserman Schultz said. “The form that took was actually a slew of policy changes that we have been gradually working toward… and now we are ready to unveil them all at once!”


Some features present in Clinton®’s new Bernie Lite™ software, include an agenda pushing for a $15 minimum wage and free higher education, as well as an update in her position on the Trans-Pacific Partnership agreement. If these updates sound familiar, it is because they are essentially the crux of Sanders’ platform.


Clinton fans and experts in the field of artificial intelligence rejoiced as Clinton® nodded her head unit and clapped her grasping tools alongside Sanders onstage in a joint rally in New Hampshire. What was not visible to those tuning in, however, was a thick cable connected to the small of Clinton’s back that led backstage, uploading all of the new software information into her mainframe. What appeared to be a completely human sign of affirmation, the nod, was instead a real-time realization of the Democratic Party’s new strategy to defeat Donald Trump.


Sanders supporters do not share the same excitement as their counterparts in the Clinton® camp.


“Bernie or bust, we’ve been saying it from the beginning,” Martin DeFrange, outspoken member of the Bern Unit, said. “I understand Bernie’s back is against the wall, but I plan to write him in anyway. Feel the Sand!”


DeFrange’s sentiments seem to be shared by many Sanders supporters. Whether or not Clinton® will, indeed, become more likeable and draw the loud crowd of Bernie supporters remains to be seen. In the meantime we, as voters, can continue to feel an overwhelming sense of excitement for what is shaping up to be a good old-fashioned bloodbath of an election season.