Protests in Wake of Shootings Incite Passive-Aggressive Facebook Statuses

 

LOOP, RIVER NORTH – In the wake of tragic shootings across the country, groups have organized in cities across the nation to protest police violence.

Protesters successfully disrupted the Taste of Chicago and continued to march through downtown and up Michigan Avenue. Disruptive as they were, there were no acts of violence from protesters.

Despite this, white people across Chicago and the nation are wrought with strife over perceived marginalization, and passive aggressive Facebook statuses abound.

David Bicklehorn of Schaumburg posted this status early Sunday morning.

“Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but I think the black lives matter movement is a joke. Now, don’t think I’m racist, I have a black friend! He’s a cashier at the Jewel I go to, and I sometimes let him keep an extra quarter if I don’t have exact change. Seriously, I’m NOT racist. I just think ALL lives matter, right? Everybody in my subdivision agrees, it is not cool to disrupt MY night out at the Taste of Chicago just because your culture has been historically oppressed at the hand of mine. White people are going through alot right now, okay? The Olive Garden by my house closed last week and I DO NOT need any more stress.”

Bicklehorn was lauded for his brave post by many of his friends and family, and he intends to continue giving a loud, shrill voice to what he claims is an otherwise voiceless overwhelming majority of people in suburban America. He has reportedly found another Olive Garden a few minutes further away from his Schaumburg home and is disappointed but coping.