Freshman Starts Band, Retains Virginity

ROGERS PARK – Many budding creatives look at their first year in college as an opportunity; they want to express themselves, meet other artists and (most importantly) get laid. Loyola Freshman Ashton Heimerson is no exception.

Heimerson’s first act on campus was putting up flyers to join the band he was putting together in the hopes of making good music, being a creative voice for his generation and finally knowing the sweet sensation of a woman’s embrace. Heimerson quickly learned, however, that his goals were further from his reach than he thought.

After assembling a ragtag group of novice musicians he met while trying to force his way into the locked practice rooms in Mundelein, Heimerson quickly began composing music. The band members are calling themselves Beagle Fist, and their first EP includes songs like “Doin’ My Own Laundry Blues” and a cover of The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army,” which Heimerson claims is an “edgy underground anthem” and that we “probably aren’t familiar enough with the Indie scene to have heard of it.”

Despite their best efforts, none of Beagle Fist’s members have successfully courted a woman since they started regularly playing their set out on the quad. The bass player, Archie Watson, made this comment:

“I really thought this would help me finally get a girl. I’ve tried everything else in the book– anonymous letters, brushing my teeth regularly, waiting outside the IC at 3 AM; you name it. I got invited to a party once, and I told everybody there that I was in a band…I stood there and waited for the girls to throw themselves at me, but I had to leave after I stood so long that I peed my pants. Unbelievable.”

Despite the lack of success, Beagle Fist is unabashed and determined to one day convince the female student base that it is wrong about them. When asked about their plan, they explained that they will continue playing their set on the quad until everyone realizes that they don’t suck.