Gary Johnson Returns to Cave with Corpse of Jill Stein, Content with his Meager Victory

CHIHUAHUAN DESERT, N.M.—The olive sands of the New Mexican desert are at peace once again as former Governor Gary Johnson returns to his cavernous subterranean home. He now prepares for slumber after a humiliating defeat in the 2016 presidential election. But Johnson, who built the entirety of his campaign on his falsely presumed likability among human beings, won’t be returning alone. He will fuel his winter hibernation with the stringy meat from the body of Jill Stein, Green Party electorate and makeshift consolation prize.

Descending into the maw of rocky darkness, Johnson had a few deflated thoughts to get off his chest.

“We all knew I wasn’t gonna bring in the biggest numbers but wow. Who would have seen this coming? I guess if you listen to the experts, the polls and literally anything I’ve ever said, my defeat seemed preordained. But it was a shot out of right field for me.” Removing his trademark sport coat and high-cut jeans as he spoke, Johnson revealed a nearly translucent body of skin and bones.

“Say what you will about Gary Johnson, I ran a fair campaign that I can be proud of. At the end of the day, at least I’ll have a full belly during the blood moon, and that’s all a simple guy like me could ask for.”

Jill Stein’s rotting carcass could not be reached for comment.