Clinton Excited To Begin New Chapter as Host of “The Apprentice”

Though Tuesday night’s presidential election results came as both a shock and disappointment to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s campaign, the Clinton camp looks forward to a new start, specifically, coming to viewers in NBC’s 2017 Winter Lineup.

“I know we still have not broken that highest and hardest glass ceiling,” Clinton said to supporters in her Wednesday morning concession speech, “but I am happy to announce that I have managed to break into something else.” At this point in her remarks, Clinton paused in an effort to build suspense, which was undermined by the open-mouthed sobs reverberating throughout the room. Seemingly unphased, Clinton continued, “That something else being show business.” It was at this point in the speech that Huma Abedin, vice-chairwoman of the campaign, proudly seated in the first row, buried her head in her hands.

Clinton returned to her speech somberly: “Due to an agreement that started out as a joke after my second manhattan at president-elect Trump’s third wedding, full distribution rights of NBC’s smash reality-hit “The Apprentice”, and all of its spinoffs, have been ceded to the Clinton Foundation.” As Clinton paused again, her husband and would-be First Gentleman Bill Clinton failed to contain his excitement and kicked his left foot enthusiastically.

“Look, I’m as disappointed as you are,” Clinton inhaled reflectively,  “I thought this time next year I was going to finally meet face to face with Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and discuss renewed relations between our two nations, instead, in all likelihood, I’ll be moderating a barbecue cook-off between Tila Tequila, Buzz Aldrin and the oldest Hanson brother.” Sensing the negative mood shift within the room, she quickly interjected, “but it’s not all bad! My close, personal friend Pharrell has guaranteed us the primetime timeslot directly after ‘The Voice!’”

A later press release has further outlined Clinton’s specific creative direction for the series. Katy Perry has signed on to rework the opening theme music, and the panel of judges will include top Clinton surrogates like actress and writer Lena Dunham, Senator Elizabeth Warren and rapper Ja Rule.

A representative for Tim Kaine stated that the Virginia senator is still waiting for his formal appointment, but wants the Clinton camp to know that “he has always been interested in working a camera.”