Matt Damon, America’s douchebag, has recently earned all ten spots on IMDB’s Top Ten List of Irrelevant Actors. Whether it’s lecturing black filmmakers on diversity, or advising gay actors they should keep their sexuality private, Damon has won over the hearts of literally no one. The Gull news team now has an exclusive look at this list that highlights Damon’s character flaws through his 10 worst movies.
10. Matt Damon in School Ties
In this shit piece of cinema, Damon plays a teenage jock who ruthlessly picks on his Jewish teammate. His co-star is played by none other than Ben Affleck, Damon’s rumored lover. During the film, Damon manages to channel all of his homophobic resent for Affleck into something much more constructive: anti-semitism! Fuck you Matt Damon.
9. Matt Damon in Departed
In this “wow-how-much-did-I-pay-for-this-movie-and-maybe-this-buttered-popcorn-will-kill-me-halfway-through-it” film, Damon stars alongside Leonardo DiCaprio as a mole in the Massachusetts Police Department for the Irish Mafia. Leo and Douchebag Damon end up dating the same girl, and then Mark Wahlberg kills Matt Damon. It’s a confusing, hot pile of shit and the cast is entirely made up of 40-year-old white men, probably Damon’s idea.
8. Matt Damon in Happy Feet Two
Matt Damon as Bill the Krill? Krill me.
7. Matt Damon in Ocean’s 12
While the entirety of America was busy agreeing that there did NOT need to be a sequel to Ocean’s 11, Matt Damon was busy fucking making Ocean’s 12. In the film, Damon’s mom and dad are constantly rescuing Damon and his friends from death. Nice to know that at least two people can tolerate Matt Damon.
6. Matt Damon in Bourne Legacy
We all actually paid to watch 5 fucking movies where Matt Damon attempts to find himself. I’m not saying the movies are shit but I would need to drink an entire Bourne Keg-acy in order to actually make them bearable.
5. Matt Damon in Stuck On You
“If I was stuck to Matt Damon, I would kill myself” critics say.
4. Matt Damon in We Bought a Zoo
In this heartwarming family film, Matt Damon plays a widower whose midlife crisis is fucking buying an actual zoo and dragging his kids with him to a tiger inhabited shithole in the middle of nowhere. All it takes is 20 seconds of insane courage to hope that tigers don’t eat this father of the year.
3. Matt Damon in Interstellar
No one advertised that Matt Damon would be in this movie, which is probably why it did so well at first, until he had to go and ruin the movie’s touching theme by trying to kill literally everyone. Nice one, Matt. Nice.
2. Matt Damon in Margaret
Matt Damon plays a pervert, a role he was born to play.
1. Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting
I actually love this movie. Its quotes make an appearance in at least all my Instagram captions. What I’m saying is, even though Matt Damon is a not-so-secret homophobe and the Hollywood equivalent of your “progressive” aunt who thinks all lives matter, he still managed to make a damn good movie that will maybe keep him out of Hell, because we all know that God hates Matt Damon too.