Campion Students Drink for First Time, Fight Breaks out Over Who Has Most Credit Hours

Police were called to Campion Hall around 8 P.M. last night after a reported fight between two roommates ended in several broken fingers and at least two pairs of cracked glasses.

Freshman Biology major, Carl Barnaby, said he had just cracked open the ‘V’ section of his encyclopedia when his roommate proposed other plans for the night.

“My roommate Ming came in with something in a brown paper bag,” recalled Barnaby. “Somehow he had gotten a box of Old Style, and I knew it was going to be more than an average night.”

Ming Xu, also a Biology major, refused to tell authorities where he had acquired the alcohol, but several witnesses admit to seeing Xu nervously pacing in front of the 7-11 before the incident.

“Ming had been growing out his mustache for months before this,” said fellow Campion resident and Biology major, Bernadette Strauss, “I guess the creepy pencil mustache was just enough to convince the person at the register that he was a full-grown, perverted man.”

Xu and Barnaby got some friends from their hall, all Biology majors, to join in on the festivities, and Barnaby counted down from ten in Latin to mark their first sip. After many of their friends vomited and called their parents to repent, the honors students moved on to talk about their favorite subject, class schedules.

“I remember that Xu was taking 18 credits, while Barnaby had found a way to take 20 full credits.” said friend of the injured, Marty London. London is a History major, but tells his friends he is a Biology major for fear of losing his spot on Campion’s Dungeons and Dragons league.

Xu reportedly flew into a drunken rage and flicked his friend in the face. Barnaby responded by curling his fists and punching Xu just like he himself had experienced throughout high school.

Paramedics responded to a  call to Campion Hall later that night to advise honors students to stick to LARP-ing instead.