Top 5 Places to Bury a Body on Campus

That’s right Loyola—it’s finals season. As tensions rise and the air grows moist with the evaporated tears of students, it’s important to have a proper burial place in mind in case you feel the urge to shank that bitch who took your window spot in the IC. Below, you’ll find the top five perfect places to dispose of the corpse quick and easy, so you can get back to worrying about how deeply disappointed your parents will be in your semester grades.


1. The IC

While this may be the most crowded place on campus, during finals week you could easily throw a pair of shades on that dead skin bag and pass them off as a sleeping student until the smell starts to slowly seep across the first floor.


2. The “L”

What happens on the “L” stays on the “L.” Honestly, you could roll that Rambler roadkill under the seats and the early morning commuters still wouldn’t care.


3. Blaze Pizza Oven

Ah, yes— a campus favorite. Make their signature thin crust just a little bit thicker with a sweet hunk of human flesh. Just pop that sucker in their 100% fire oven and you’ve got yourself a seamless murder.


4. Lake Michigan

This is a popular place to hide a body and for good reason, too. Just make sure that carcass clears the rocks, and, by the time the lake thaws out, it’ll be someone else’s problem.


5. Cudahy Library

The requirement in the main room of Cudahy Library is to be absolutely quiet. So, only the silent screams of students terrified to break that sacred rule could distract you from chucking that dead s.o.b. among the books that no one reads.