10 Politicians You’d Totally Hate-F*ck

1. Paul Ryan

There’s no one you’d rather have intense hate sex with than this seductive Speaker of the House. Better wrap it up though, ladies, this hunk of strictly heterosexual love doesn’t believe in abortion for any reason whatsoever. Forget about red states—how about red rockets? Amiright?





2. Newt Gingrich

Mmmhhhmmm this silver fox has publicly supported child labor and curbing free speech, so let that rile you up before the big night. If you’re lucky, you could even become this representative’s 4th failed marriage!



3. Mitch McConnell

You know you wouldn’t be able to resist this senator’s bedroom eyes or his puckered lips. He’s so hot—he almost makes the rest of the GOP believe in global warming!



4. Bill Clinton

“Don’t ask, don’t tell what we did in bed last night.” – Bill Clinton



5. Sarah Palin


This alaskan piece of arse would be a perfect candidate for a fierce hate-screw. This politician/reality star/”cool mom” of the GOP knows how to play the flute, and has a front row seat to watching the polar ice caps melt from her backyard in Alaska. Kinky, eh?



6. Rahm Emanuel


“Wreck it Rahm” strikes again with that come-hither head of hair. He started out as a total MILF (Mayor I’d Like to Fuck), but his tendency to overlook corruption in Chicago turned him into a MILHF. Inner city schools aren’t the only thing that makes this guy a real closer!


7. Ted Cruz


Ted Cruz gave democrats around the country a real hard-on when he refused to endorse Donald Trump for president, but his eventual endorsement made us think that the only action he’s affirmative about is getting down and dirty with Donald.



8. Rand Paul


Aside from looking like a dirty Q-Tip, Rand Paul seems like he would be more than happy to show you his collection of Ann Coulter books before showing you how to handle the Randle.





9. Rod Blagojevich


Selling the senate seat isn’t nearly as sexy as selling a seat on Rod’s face.





10. Rudy Giuliani


He’ll tell you illegal immigrants are stealing our jobs, but you’ve got a good chance of stealing good ol’ Rudy’s heart.