YOUR LOCATION– Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley have released a new studying finally proving that if you were ever to transform into a panda, you would be one of the worst ones.
“We did trials with hundreds of people, in hundreds of different panda related scenarios, and each time, you were at the bottom of the group,” remarked Hannah Schoenfield, a researcher on the project. “No matter how many advantages we gave you, you just sucked, every time.”
Scientists first took strands of your hair when you were sleeping, and cloned several pandas based on your DNA. Yours, and every other cloned panda, were put through a series of trials, ranging from how well you can hold onto trees, affinity for bamboo, internet viewership, and a rigorous obstacle course.
Averaging all the results with some math stuff our reporter did not understand, your panda came out in the bottom one percent of every trial.
“I would definitely recommend working on falling over in a way that is cute, yet clear that you won’t injure yourself” commented Dr. Schoenfield again, looking at clipboard with a picture of you and a panda side by side, shaking her head disapprovingly.
Perhaps pick a new spirit animal. Something easier, like a rock or a bag of old cheese puffs. Those seem more your speed, no offense.