Loyola Student Thanks Global Warming for End of World, Lovely Weather

As the school year nears a close and temperatures rise well above 50 degrees, Loyola students have started thanking the phenomenon known as global warming for the balmy new climate. The nice heat wave isn’t the only thing that students have been thankful for, though, as most are extremely grateful that global warming is finally bringing the total destruction and chaos that the earth deserves.

“Yeah, I mean, the weather was nice, but I’m just really excited to watch the world spiral into complete madness and become a hot box of carbon dioxide,” said environmental science major Christie Phornshubs, “nothing exciting ever happens around here anymore, and it’s about time we have a good global meltdown.”

While the increased temperature of the planet could also lead to the deaths of some animals that reside in the polar ice caps, students seem more than happy about that possible outcome.

“For me, it’s more than just being able to go to the beach,” said junior Greg Bigly, “I want to watch all of the polar bears slowly melt out of their homes like popsicles on a hot January day.”

Besides watching all of the ice rats die, one teacher told The Gull that she’s hoping the rise of the ocean will be high enough to drown a particularly annoying 4’2” student.

In addition to adding some slight inconvenience into their lives, most Loyola students are in agreement that a world without global warming is too peaceful and functional for them to enjoy. The real gratitude lies in watching the earth crumble into it’s natural state of disorder. So, say it with me now—thank you, global warming!