How to tell Columbia/DePaul/Loyola Freshmen apart


Loyola: Warm hands alert! Here at Loyola, the students love to hold their coffee cups. Uh oh! Looks like someone didn’t get enough sleep last night, huh? Why don’t you fucking chill out on the Narcos, John. You look sick.

DePaul: Lots of cuts and scratches on the hands of DePaul students, probably from all the pickup games they’re playing in the school gym. Squeak squeak! Paul, those shoes are killing the game, and, honestly, dude, I hope you have a great rest of the semester. I’ll see you in chem.

Columbia: Hidden! Sarah, take those shoes off your hands. I don’t get the bit, and it’s making everyone uncomfortable. Columbia students are always wearing gloves—fingerless ones! Always making a statement, huh.



Loyola: Big toes to stick under the mud.

DePaul: One long pinky toe to dip in the water and take a lil sippy. Yum!



Work Ethic

Loyola: Running across campus because a friend of a friend left his surfboard-shaped USB drive in a computer at the I.C.

DePaul: Shaking a Trader Joe’s salad far too loudly. IF YOU SHAKE IT ANY MORE, IT’LL TURN TO MUSH, PAUL. You don’t eat the tortilla strips? Fuck you. I’ll take ‘em.

Columbia: Uses Post-Its but, like, the ones that are shaped like stuff. Usually some character from an 80s arcade game. You can write on them but, like, the words will be REALLY hard to make out.  


Pubic Hair

Loyola: Full bush.

DePaul: Full bush.

Columbia: Full bush.


A lot of smack has been talked, challenges made, bridges burned. Onward and upward.