Have those late night Campus Safety alerts been getting you down? Concerned about the number of armed robberies in Rogers Park? Then boy do I have news for you!
New sources indicate that the biggest danger to your financial well being is not the guys who drive around in cars and pull over next to you and pull a gun asking for the contents of your wallet. No, if you’re looking to avoid robbery in RoPo, you’re just going to have to drop out.
Sources have reported some serious crime happening right on campus. Ever received a letter from the Office of the Bursar? Well, they’ve started getting much more creative.
Students have filed several complaints, claiming to receive letters from the office with increasing threat levels.
“$5,000 or we’ll tell your parents your GPA,” read the letter Mike Tasker, freshman received slipped under his door in Mertz. Mike says the letter was assembled with cut out letters from a magazine or newspaper, but was on the Office of the Bursar’s personalized stationery.
Another ploy to get your tuition money was revealed through a cleverly crafted letter. “To the most generous (insert name),” it reads, “My name is Marisha Vladensky, and I am an Albanian princess just looking to start a new life here in America. I need a little money to build my new home. Please, will you help a poor displaced princess?” The given email address leads to an offshore bank account in Sweden which our sources have found to be directly connected to the Financial Aid office.
Their most recent plot is perhaps least subtle of all. Junior Rebecca Johnson reported a meeting with her financial aid advisor to which sister Jean was rolled in on a wheelchair and connected to an IV drip. The financial aid officer and sister Jean then convinced Rebecca to empty her pockets to “support Sister Jean’s ever rising medical bills.” Rebecca says, as she left the meeting, she heard Sister Jean say to the advisor, “those suckers don’t know I’m immortal.”
The Gull reached out to the Financial Aid office and the Office of the Bursar, but both refused to comment on the grounds that neither Office exists or ever existed.
When we reached out to Campus Safety, we were unable to get a meeting with any high ranking officials, but we managed to corner a new trainee. When asked, “is there anything to be said for the suspicious activity of the Financial Aid office,” the officer in question, who has requested to remain nameless, replied, “who do you think has been behind all these drive-by muggings lately?” The officer then furtively looked around, whispered “they’re everywhere,” and denied any further questions.