Five Year-Old Buys Gun to Protect Self From School Yard Bullies

After one too many wedgies and generally being the biggest cry baby on the playground, five year old Collin Walters bought a Glock G29 to threaten the assholes who pushed him into the wood chips last Tuesday. He now walks around with a holster on his hip, one hand always resting on the new gun.

Sally Sheffield, a classmate and admirer of Walters said, “he looks like a straight up G. We’re all trying to catch his eye with our light up sketchers.”

Teachers have expressed concern, but gun control laws are actually so loose that they really cannot say anything about Walters’ handgun. Especially because he attends a privatized charter school that is funded by the NRA.

One teacher, Molly Horwath, has voiced her worries. “Of course I fear for my life daily. Recently, we ran out of chocolate milk and he pulled the glock on me. I stole chocolate milk from another student to appease him.”

NRA members funding the school were unavailable for comment.