ADVICE: how to keep your cool even though health and safety inspections are the first time someone’s visited you all year

Dear Susie SeaGull,

I’ve always considered myself to be kind of a lone wolf. In high school, I’d spend my days in the library or whatever dark corner I could fit myself into. I thought that college would be my time to shine, to blossom, to see real boobs. But, so far, college has been like high school reincarnate—only with shittier water pressure. You can imagine my fear, then, when I saw that health and safety inspections were coming up. I’d have two people in my room at once? This would be the first time someone’s seen my humble abode all year since my roommate moved out at the beginning of the semester after complaining about my sleep-sobbing. I need your help, Susie, how do I entertain two guests at once? How do I casually make them stay as long as possible in my lonely lair?


Reclusive Resident


Dear Reclusive Resident,

It’s completely normal to be concerned about health and safety inspections. It’s a scary time! The best advice I can give is to relax and set a calming mood. Light several candles, pour them a nice glass of wine, show them your new decorative drug paraphernalia. If you portray that you’re chill and down to break all health and safety rules, your RAs will have no other choice but to marvel at your bad-assery. If you still don’t feel comfortable, ask only one RA to come into your dorm at a time. There’s strength in numbers, and they key here is to assert your dominance. While you’re busy giving them the full tour of your 7×10 foot space, make sure to point out the nails you expertly drilled into the wall! Best of luck on this eerie expedition.


Susie SeaGull