While this feels like a given, let’s imagine that you’ve had a Durex dilemma. Now, you’re standing in the middle of the aisle at CVS, debating with your mother over whether or not to buy Plan B ™ or Sexorcism (patent pending), and you went with the latter. Hey, moms will be moms! Have fun feeling that same thrift in about nine months!
Your mom just wants to make Christmas a special time full of family bonding and irresistable savings. If that means your chocolate Santa looks a little bit like your creepy mailman, Ted, who lost the lower part of his jaw in a Thanksgiving fried turkey accident, then so be it!
“Mom, Fido is absolutely munching on the remnants of a focus group reject sex toy.”
“I had a coupon.”
Nothing is more heart wrenching than sitting in your grade school cafeteria scared and confused because no one wants to trade you anything for your off-green, off-brand veggie straws. It’s a formative moment and one that makes you question how your mom always has exact change, but, somehow, not enough to buy some fucking gushers every once in a while.
Your mother knows that Cocoa Pebbles are well above the allotted ten grams of sugar, but Chocolate Surprise sure isn’t! While your friends were eating Lucky Charms and Cap’n Crunch, you were gnashing away at breakfast cereals that could double as stripper names. Nothing like Peanut Butter Creamz and Sweet Treats to start your day off right!