At 4:47 AM this past Thursday, a former White House intern was found on the curb outside of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, clearly distraught and with his tie worn like a headband in his hair. Rave lights were flashing from the West Wing and a beat from what sounded like “Kung Fu Fighting” reverberated onto the street.
When found, Chad Cooper said he was on hour seven of his Dance Dance Revolution face-off against President Donald Trump. “It was terrifying. If I stopped dancing, he threatened to fire me like it was The Apprentice. When requested to stand and try to walk, Cooper jumped up and immediately began moving in Dance Dance Revolution sequences and would not stop until tackled and bound.
When Cooper finally calmed down, he revealed that, since Trump’s inauguration in January of 2017, the interns were forced to watch Trump dance for a minimum of five hours a day, then compete with him for another four hours. “Most mornings we would sit in terror hoping that he wouldn’t pick us to dance against him. On days that you were unlucky, you would be forced to dance for hours. It was a hellscape,” Cooper said. When pressed for detail, he grew very quiet and refused further questioning.
Cooper did, however, reveal that Trump also had a large screen TV where Putin could phone in and watch Trump’s dance-offs with the interns. Sometimes, the Russian president even competed via Skype. He comments, “trying to keep up with that man was impossible. Especially once he started shaking his thang to Shakira’s ‘Hips Don’t Lie.’ That was his favorite.”
Cooper recalled Trump saying, “many people say DDR originated in Japan, but, really, I was the one who invented it.” The intern also recalled being forced to dance for extended periods of time with no water. “The cramping was unreal.”
Michael Connors, another former White House intern, was admitted to Georgetown University Hospital recently after exhibiting similar conditions to Cooper. He will be recovering there for the next few weeks after being subjected to the same horrifying circumstances as Cooper. When asked for comment, he looked at our reporters with fear and said, “please, God. Just let the music stop,” then continued to stare at the wall in dismay. Upon seeing his condition, one doctor said, “The kid has rock hard calves and ass of an angel. I’m not saying the conditions were humane, but the physical fitness of this individual is unlike anything I have ever seen. If Trump is really playing DDR as often as Cooper said he was, I can’t believe he still looks like such a slug.”