Pitbull loses Mr. Worldwide Title in Divorce, Now Called Mr. Northern Hemisphere

Albuquerque, N.M. — Silence clung to the air as the jury read aloud the final division of  property between Armando Christian Perez a.k.a. rapper, Pitbull, and his spouse. “On the matter of the self-appointed title of ‘Mr. Worldwide.’ The title shall be split in half and divided amongst the two. ‘Mr. Worldwide’ is no more. Mr. Pitbull’s global moniker will now be ‘Mr. Northern Hemisphere.’”

The final announcement, though the most shocking, was not the only one of the night. Along with the title, Mr. Pitbull will have to give over the bottom half of all his white suits and tuxedos. The day was not filled with complete tragedy for the rapper as he was allowed to keep the self-appointed title of “Mr. 305.”

Pitbull’s attorney, Arden Peterson, had this to say to reporters: “Fans of Mr. Wo— Mr. Northern Hemisphere have nothing to fear. He is the same old Pitbull we know and love. This will change nothing about Pitbull’s future enterprises.”

A distraught Pitbull was overhead conversing with his lawyer after the trial. “Does this mean I can’t go to the southern hemisphere? We start filming soon. Kim Possible can’t start without Rufus, right? Arden? I won’t lose my part as Rufus, right? I can go to Australia, right?”

Ms. Peterson reportedly replied, “I don’t know. I have to go look it up, but right now it’d be more safe if you stayed in the northern hemisphere. I’m sorry, Pitbull.”

The grief getting to him, Mr. Pitbull chose to stay in the courtroom after the proceedings. When approached by reporters, he didn’t notice them. Instead, all a glassy-eyed Pitbull could do was hazily repeat, “Dale.”