Loyola Worried NTT-Faculty Will Find Hidden Gold Vaults in the Madonna Crypt

After several years of bargaining and discussions, Non-Tenure Track (NTT) faculty recently led a strike against unfair wages at Loyola. But in the many years of not having the money to pay people with PhDs a fair wage, Loyola has found it in their couch cushions to fund a new athletic facility and a dozen broken treadmills for Halas.

Most Loyola students were blindsided by the wage discrimination and were left wondering if NTT faculty have had constant fundraisers at Blaze and Chipotle without their knowledge.

With more negotiations in the works between NTT faculty and the powers that be, the latter is breaking a sweat on how close the former are to happening upon the university’s top secret hiding place. It’s not in any offshore bank account, or package-taped to a human ala Wolf of Wall Street, but held in the Madonna Della Strada crypts themselves.

Besides Halloween tours, it’s visited only by the Jesuits and the goths. It’s a prime location to hide three secret gold vaults. One for non campus housing facilities, one for hiring more part-time NTT faculty, and one to do the Scrooge McDuck dive.

If news comes out that Loyola actually has enough money to pay NTT faculty above poverty line, who knows what else students will demand. A better mental health clinic? More housing to live in? Lowered tuition?

In any case, armed Jesuit guards have been posted around Madonna 24/7 since the strike.