LOYOLA — “Loyola PD will from now on use Chinese finger traps instead of handcuffs to detain anyone who needs detaining” announced head of Loyola Police Department, Harry Weiner, before reaching down into a box behind the podium, pulling out handfuls of Chinese finger traps, and throwing them towards members of the press.
When asked about the reason behind the change, Weiner responded, “Well, Loyola PD only has one concern: making sure the campus is a fun place to be. And nothing screams fun like watching someone trying to pull their fingers from a chinese finger trap.”
Moments later, a Loyola student was arrested for “disorderly conduct” after asking Weiner about Loyola PD underreporting crimes. The student was detained with a Chinese finger trap for each pair of fingers.
Weiner refused to answer questions about the arrest and instead answered the unasked question of what would happen to the handcuffs. “We’re gonna melt them down and use the metal to create a statue of a disco ball and hang it in Damen to show that Loyola PD stands for Loyola Party Department! Weiner out!”
The arrested Loyola student allegedly escaped.