1) Santa’s Lap
Our ginormous, jolly friend is back, and he’s here to stay! Santa is going to be a fixture on the CTA all year long. Take a seat on his pillowy lap and tell him everything you want this year. Watch his hands, ladies!
You do it, I do it, and some people do it on the CTA. Does the cloth on your seat look a little darker than the rest of the seats? I bet you wish you trusted your intuition—now you’re sitting in piss!
3) Relationship Tension
You desperately wish you chose another seat, but it’s too late. On your left, a man keeps craning his neck to get a better view of his disgruntled girlfriend. She keeps mumbling things such as, “your body odor could suffocate a small village” and “you kiss like a chicken,” but only in a voice audible enough for you to hear. She taps on your shoulder, reaches into her pocket, pulls out her middle finger and asks you to pass the message onto her significant other. Honestly, you’d prefer to be sitting in someone else’s piss right about now.
4) Your Grandma
You knew it was grandma from the moment her bony, delicate knees crumpled beneath you. You almost missed her, didn’t you? That’s because grandma is so tiny! You would have never expected to see her on your morning commute to class—in fishnets no less—but she was certainly just as surprised to see you!
You’ve seen it on the news, you’ve read about it, and now you get to experience it up close and in-person for the first time. In order to be a true Chicagoan, you have to sit in active gunfire at least once. Congratulations, and welcome to The Windy City!
6) A Child’s Imaginary Friend
It’s rush hour, the Red Line is packed, and you spot an open seat next to a ten-year-old. You rush to the seat before someone else steals it and plop down grateful to have secured it. Next thing you know, the ten-year-old next to you starts squirting you with his juice box, screaming, “get your humongous body off of Henry! You’re hurting him!” How in the WORLD did you not spot Henry?!
7) Flash Mob by a High School The Wizard of Oz Cast
You enter the first cart of the Red Line in a hurry and look up from your phone only once you sit down. Suddenly, you notice you’re the only one not in costume. The conductor winks at you through the window and proceeds to blare We’re Off to See the Wizard on the speaker. You’re surrounded by high schoolers covered head to toe in Party City face paint, clumsily dancing to the deafening music. Now more than ever, you wish you could click the heels of your ruby red slippers together and return home