Sorry, West Loop! Even though a degranged 18 year old could rampage through one of your high schools with a semi-automatic assault rifle, Rahm is too scared of his donors to set foot in your neighborhood! Enjoy your condolences message … via YouTube.
Oh no, not today! Rahm doesn’t go to the South Side, silly! Clean up your act and try again next time children are brutally murdered while their teachers shield them with their bodies.
Nope, too gay.
Nope, too straight.
Rahm is afraid of the Brown Line. Oops!
Aw, shucks! Rahm is so distracted by building a new police academy that he couldn’t even notice a school shooting in Fuller Park! Sure, the shooting could’ve been avoided if police had followed procedure when they received a tip about the shooter a few months ago, but they were distracted, too! Better luck next time.
Rogers What? Rahm doesn’t know Rogers Park exists, so he can’t possibly take a trip — even to voice his support for banning the AR-15! Rest easy, NRA — you’re safe today!