7 Neighborhoods Rahm Emmanuel Wounldn’t Visit if There Were a School Shooting There

West Loop

Sorry, West Loop! Even though a degranged 18 year old could rampage through one of your high schools with a semi-automatic assault rifle, Rahm is too scared of his donors to set foot in your neighborhood! Enjoy your condolences message … via YouTube.

Englewood

Oh no, not today! Rahm doesn’t go to the South Side, silly! Clean up your act and try again next time children are brutally murdered while their teachers shield them with their bodies.

Boystown

Nope, too gay.

Gold Coast

Nope, too straight.

Ravenswood

Rahm is afraid of the Brown Line. Oops!

Fuller Park

Aw, shucks! Rahm is so distracted by building a new police academy that he couldn’t even notice a school shooting in Fuller Park! Sure, the shooting could’ve been avoided if police had followed procedure when they received a tip about the shooter a few months ago, but they were distracted, too! Better luck next time.

Rogers Park

Rogers What? Rahm doesn’t know Rogers Park exists, so he can’t possibly take a trip — even to voice his support for banning the AR-15! Rest easy, NRA — you’re safe today!