CHICAGO — Bar 63, a frequent haunt among Loyola students and my creepy neighbor Darren, has recently announced plans to construct a small statue outside of their establishment. The statue will be an homage to ID God: the Protector of Questionable Business and a large part of the bar’s success. While most of their patrons may seem a little young, if you were to check their IDs you would see that almost all range from ages 21 to 23 and live in some Connecticut or Pennsylvania suburb.
“I’m really happy to see 63 finally paying their respects to ID God,” said senior Scott Smithe. “It’s a real rags to riches tale that truly embodies our Jesuit values.”
Smithe has gone to Bar 63 every single Thursday since rushing a fraternity. His fake is a family heirloom of sorts, and has been passed down from brother to brother. Smithe is now 27 in Connecticut despite having not yet grown facial hair.
ID God has not responded to outreach on this article, but did send The Gull an anonymous package from China containing twelve misprint IDs hidden inside of a toaster.The decoration will serve as more of a shrine, with students planning to deposit their bent or otherwise mangled fakes at the foot of the altar. Confiscated Juuls and other vapes will adorne the statue and create an eerie effect, and, in remembrance of things lost at 63, customers will also be able to leave fake phone numbers, keys and their dignity at the holy site.