ROGERS PARK — Paralysis. Disintegrating organs. Broken jaws. While it may seem that these are the injuries acquired by professional daredevils, they actually belong to various Loyola University Chicago students after a trip to the dining hall. These are their stories. Names have been changed to ensure the protection of the students’ identities.
Nick Nugget, a Junior in the dance program, recalls the most horrific day of his life. It was a Monday afternoon Nugget would never get back. “I remember strolling into Damen Dining after my math class. I was so hungry, I just took a spoonful of whatever was closest to me.” Weeks after the incident, Nugget was able to piece together what he ate. “The notecard said ‘Mystery Meat,’ but at the time, I thought ‘Mystery’ was a fancy foreign delicacy or something,” recounted Nugget. In his hungry haze, Nugget ingested who knows what. Upon arrival at the emergency room, the doctors told him that the contents in his stomach spread to his bloodstream, paralyzing him permanently. Nugget may never jive again. He advises all incoming Loyola freshman to visit his jelly-like body in hopes of deterring them from Loyola’s dining halls.
Sue Perporky, a Freshman psychology student, believes she was cursed. “I come from a line of vegetarians. My granddaddy, meemaw, and my folks. If only I didn’t love meat so darn much, maybe I’d still have my organs today.” Perporky recalls walking into Simpson Dining wanting her meat fix. Next to a heaping helping of potato skins, she saw a mess of meat, but was not sure what exactly it was because it was unlabeled. “Next thing I know, I put a spoonful of that meaty mess in my mouth and I broke out in the meat sweats,” blubbered Perporky. She then remembered a tremendous pain that grew in her stomach. The nurses immediately gave her an ultrasound which revealed the lack of organs. Perporky learned her lesson, as she will only be ingesting vegetables from a feeding tube for the remainder of life.
Les Bison, a Senior studying biology, has trouble telling others about his first encounter with Loyola’s dining hall just three short years ago. “I am emotionally and physically scarred from Loyola’s Mystery Meat.” Bison broke his jaw after being dared to try the meaty mishmash. “I kept chewing and chewing for what seemed like hours. My jaw got so exhausted that it buckled,” typed Bison. Because of this incident, Bison is no longer able to speak. Loyola’s Mystery Meat quite literally left Bison speechless.
In an effort to obtain justice for the victims of Loyola’s dining hall, The Gull attempted to get in touch with the dining hall staff. When asked what the contents of the Mystery Meat really are, an undisclosed member of the dining hall staff (his name is Rico) looked side to side, pressed his pointer finger to his lips, and told us to follow him. As we finally reached our destination, the kitchen, the mystery was unveiled to us. In the center of the kitchen was none other than Sister Jean mixing together a combination of all the previous day’s meals with an oversized beef stick. It has been confirmed that the concoction was being cooked in a large black cauldron only to be served at the dining halls under the label “Mystery Meat.”