Corner of 83rd and Ashland — Breaking his 25 year silence, Richard Hanes, all white no-show sock, said, “I may be soleless, but that doesn’t make me soulless.” Hanes asked reporters to his “humble abode underneath the bush that looks like a toe” in order to tell his story and inspire socks like him around the world.
“OH it has been tough,” Hanes sighed. “I was in someone’s laundry basket, and I guess I just slipped through the holes. For a long time, the world lost its color and only smelled like defeat.” After waiting a few minutes for a laugh, Hanes continued, “there I was: purposeless! A sock isn’t meant to be caught in a territory war between a Dachshund-Collie mix and a French Bulldog!” Holding back tears, Hanes whisper-shouted, “I was more dog piss than sock…”
Regaining his composure and displaying his elasticity after all these years, Hanes beamed, “there is hope, though! It all changed for me when I realized I was made for feat not feet. I will be the first sock to climb Mt. Everest.”
Sensing reporters’ disbelief, Hanes assured them, “I know, I know… how can a sock climb Mt. Everest? The journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step and, you guys, that first step was me deciding to climb Mt. Everest! See?? I’m already doin’ it!”
Before reporters could ask any questions, a rabid pigeon swooped out of the sky and plucked Hanes from the ground. Witness testimony from the scene differed with some claiming Hanes was screaming out of fear and others claiming he was screaming with delight.