CHICAGO — Local man George Harris had reportedly just taken some cash out of the ATM near his home when three assailants attempted to rob him. “I needed some cash because there’s this tamale food truck on my route that I love, and I wasn’t even really paying attention to my surroundings when these guys came up and their, like, leader, I guess, demanded I hand over my cash. It was a little scary, not gonna lie, but, when I saw that they only had guns, I breathed a big sigh of relief because everyone knows guns don’t kill people.”
Witnesses then described Harris, who was carrying a silverware knife, cutting through his assailants, who were only carrying harmless guns, like they were microwaved butter.
Chicago Police Chief, Han Cuffington, somberly released a statement at press time. “They may have been committing a crime, but…Jesus…they only had guns.” Stopping and clearly diverging from the pre-written statement, Cuffington candidly stated, “no one needs to be carrying a knife. I mean the most us cops have is mustard gas chain-guns, but those are for crowd control and cause nowhere near the damage that a knife can do.” Struggling to steady his voice, Cuffington continued, “he’s a deranged monster.”
This national tragedy has already been marked by an official executive order by President Trump and has led to a bipartisan effort into enacting better knife control laws.
“It is time for change. These laws, such as eliminating serrated edge knives for the general populace is a long time coming. We are following the example of great nations like Australia and Canada, both who have extensively safe knife laws which directly correlate to lower knife-related violence. We are moving towards a safer America,” boomed Senator Rob Hastings (R-WA).
An official video statement released by Homeland Security head, Kirjsten Nielson, contained this advice: “With knife-wielding lunatics around, guns are unable to combat the threat. Until we are able to enforce our new, safe laws, Homeland Security has a message for you: if you want to protect yourself, leave the gun, but bring a cannoli. The powdered sugar can be thrown into an assailant’s eyes, for example. Or you could force feed the assailant the cannoli. Trust me, biting a cannoli is much worse than biting a bullet.” While slapping her belly, Cuffington continued, “Those calories will getcha!” The video then progressed into Nielson demonstrating various cannoli-based defensive strategies.
Days after the incident, Harris was arrested and placed on trial. Reportedly, Harris, who had to deliver his own opening statement, as no attorney was willing to represent him, was shot 12 times throughout his body before brandishing his food knife and cutting through his assailants. Demonstrating his depravity, Harris recounted in court, “after the shock from the bullets wore off, I remembered that guns, like, don’t do anything. So I was fine, really. I didn’t stick around because I didn’t want to miss the tamale truck. I bought some bandaids for my holes and really just went about my day.”
Due to national fervor to indict Harris, Harris was given a life sentence in prison within 2 minutes and 46 seconds after opening statements. “Due to the gravity of the crime, Harris must be made an example of,” ordered Judge Noah Nahns Ence.