Minnesotan Insists They Won’t Get Cold

Chicago, or, as the locals call it, “The Windy City,” is known for its sharp, bitter lake winds that can cause cracked and bloody skin. Chicagoans get ready, pulling out hats, coats and gloves to cover any exposed skin from the biting winds. The strong winds can even pick children off the ground and knock over full grown adults. The winter war starts at the first snow with fist fights breaking out over the CTA heat lamps and shoveled out parking spots. But some people aren’t worried about the next six months.

“I come from the land of 10,000 lakes. Do you know how much lake wind swirls around Minnesota?” Jack Teman, a native of Baudette, MN, said. “The biggest tourist attraction in my town is an anti-gravity machine, but it’s just a tube with the Minnesota winds swirling around inside.”

Teman, who moved to Chicago in August, has recently pulled out his winter clothes. His winter clothes consist of a single pair of jeans, a zip-up hoodie, and a pair of sweatpants.

“It’s snowed already, don’t you know? Yeah, Minnesota already got snow. Chicago doesn’t have snow. Chicago winters have nothing on Minnesota winters.”  Teman, who has never owned a winter coat, proudly stated. “My family’s lakehouse is an igloo on Lake of the Woods. I spent my winter breaks there when I was growing up.”

Teman’s plans for the upcoming winter includes boating, enjoying the beach to himself, and loudly making fun of everyone wearing a winter coat and using the heat lamps at the CTA stops. If he can squeeze it in, he’ll go ice skating wearing nothing but jorts and a Minnesota Wild t-shirt.

“They’d never make it in Minnesota,” he laughed, pointing at a woman bundling up her newborn baby in a hat, scarf, and blanket. “Chicago is for the weak.”

He’ll stick to his iced Dunkin Donuts coffee, which is vastly inferior to Caribou, and keep his apartment windows down for now.