Research Shows that People Who Eat Salads Willingly are Sadder than the Rest of Us

Normal, Ill. — A recent study shows that there is a positive correlation between sadness and people who eat salad willingly. The following accounts by research participants were used to gather data on a new phenomenon, called Salad Sadness.

Helen, a Chicago native, recalls the first time she experienced Salad Sadness. “I used to be a big nugget girl. Ten years ago, I went to a Wendy’s drive thru, hoping to order some nuggs, but they were completely out. I ordered a salad, and after my first bite, all happiness exited my body.”

Helen has eaten salad for every meal since the incident. When asked why she does not order something else for a change, Helen reported, “If I order something with flavor, I might experience joy, and that sounds crippling.” It is clear that although salad is the seemingly healthy option, it has a great capacity to destroy, which is a power that no other food possesses.

Tiffany, another woman fallen victim to Salad Sadness, recounts how Salad Sadness has affected her social life. “I don’t have any friends left. They got sick of me because any time we’d go out to eat, I would order a salad, and I guess it bothered them.” Social isolation is a common side effect of Salad Sadness. Researchers say the only way to prevent this is to be less boring and order a real meal. Otherwise, you’ll have no friends.

Salad Sadness is an epidemic. More and more people are deeming salad as a healthier option thus leading them into a black hole of utter and irreversible sadness. Researchers recommend steering clear of anything that grows from the ground for your own safety and health. If something looks healthy, it probably has the capacity to destroy you from the inside out. According to the Food and Drug Administration, a diet of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni and Kid Cuisine have the proper balance of nutrients to sustain you for life.