ROGERS PARK — Recent findings by Argonne National Laboratory forced researchers at the lab to call in an emergency press conference.
“This really was a no-brainer,” Arden Peterson, lead researcher at Argonne National Laboratory, stated at a press conference. “I mean even before testing, we knew it wasn’t soap. Soap doesn’t stand up on its own; it doesn’t feel like Elmers glue, and it doesn’t leave a smell that can only be compared to the unholy union between Febreeze and weeks-old trash.”
Dr. Peterson continued to state her findings, “We found…DNA…in the ‘bio soap’ and, after a quick test, we had a match. We can confidently say that Loyola bio soap is 100% phlegm.” Her tone shifting, Dr. Peterson confusedly stammered out, “I…I just don’t know how that’s possible. Medically, I mean. There’s gallons of this stuff? How…unless…maybe they secrete it out of her? I don’t know…we just…it all comes from Sister Jean according to the data.”
Dr. Peterson fell unconscious but, while being carried away, regained enough lucidity to stammer out, “for the love of God: stop her.”
Both Sister Jean and Loyola University refused to comment; however, Sister Jean did cough and spray down reporters with what one witness described as, “that scene from the Exorcist but like one hundred times more wet and thick.”