School of Comm Student Lost in Cudahy Stacks Will Still Graduate in Four Years

CHICAGO — Many students’ self worth and pride are reportedly shaken to the core after senior Charlie Ralson confirmed that he would be graduating within four years. Ralson, who has never been seen doing anything besides roaming the stacks of Cudahy Library like a purposeless ghost, is expected to walk with the graduating class of 2019.

“Yeah, I mean I’m doing pretty well in my classes, and I think I might have a job offer lined up,” Ralson said, thumbing through various versions of the Bible for unknown reasons.

Charlie posted on Facebook Sunday that he intended to graduate with around a 3.8 GPA. The Gull received a call from your mother who wanted to remind you that you don’t have a 3.8 and this moron does.

When reached for comment, COMM 201 professor Rachel Thornam was unable to recall the student. “I looked on the roster and he is definitely enrolled, but I have no idea what he looks like, and have never seen him in class.” Several other teachers commented on Ralson’s excellent test taking ability, but were visibly confused and agitated when shown a picture of the student.

Loyola’s administration refused to give any additional details about the student, but Campus Safety said they are already equipped to unfairly treat students that are non-transient.