7 Ways to Make Your Kid Love You More Than Your Divorced Husband

Divorce can be tricky, especially when there are children involved. Here are some tips and tricks to ensure that, at the end of it all, your kid will love you more than your deadbeat ex-husband.

  1. Buy their affection. I know, I know, “money can’t buy me love,” but it sure can make people like you more. If you really want your kid to love you more than your filthy excuse of an ex-husband, buy them whatever they want, whenever they want, at any price necessary.
  2. Be their doormat. Let them walk all over you until others question who the authority figure is.This way, when your kid stays with your ex for a few days and he disciplines them, you’re going to be the cool parent who lets anything go. IN YOUR FACE, ROBERT!!!
  3. Reassure your child that the divorce wasn’t their fault, but, rather, their father’s. By imposing blame on their father, your child will begin to resent their dad, ultimately defaulting you as the supreme parent.
  4. Openly slander your ex-husband’s new (uncomfortably young) girlfriend, Candi. Your child is going to start hating Candi, which means they’ll want to spend more time at your place. Your ex-husband will hate you even more than he already does, and it will feel incredibly satisfying.
  5. Let their friends come over whenever they want, at any time of day. Your ex-husband doesn’t have enough room for them in his crusty studio apartment, and, since you got the house in the divorce (yay, you!), you have plenty of room to host some rambunctious teens who openly disrespect your home.
  6. Automatically say yes to anything their father said no to. Drop out of school? Fine by you. Find a rich, elderly man online to pay for your expenses? More power to you, kiddo. Join a cult? Adventure is awaiting.
  7. Let them steal things from you. Even when you see them snooping through your purse stealing money, just let it go. They’re going to think you’re the coolest for letting them swipe some cash. And always remember: being cool will always be more important than having their respect.